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Joke of the Day

"I never wish death upon anybody who wrongs me. I wish sudden, explosive diarrhea while on a date Much more satisfying."

"The challenge of modern relationships: how to prove more interesting than the other's smartphone."

"Perfect pitch is... ...when you throw an accordion into a dumpster and it hits a banjo."

"I went to an AA meeting I met a lot of batteries"

"Donald has special needs. His small hands fit perfectly around our new shovel model. '8:D' Only today. Only here."

"The Jackhammer, Now that was a groundbreaking discovery."

"Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?"

"Son: ""Mom, Dad, I'm gay."" Mom: *Stares at Dad* Dad: *Clenches fist* Mom: ""Don't!"" Dad: *Sweats Profusely* Mom: ""..."" Dad: ""HI GAY, I'M DAD"" Edit: Yay top of r/jokes, #lifegoals Also formatting"

"Did you hear about the agnostic insomniac dyslexic? He lay awake at night wondering if there's a Dog."

"Counselor: Wash your face. I can see what you had for breakfast. Henry: If you're so smart what did I have? Counselor: Eggs. Henry: Wrong. I had eggs yesterday!"