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Joke of the Day
"Hate to be that guy.... ... because he's a dick. Fuck him."
Next Joke
"""well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don't think-"" [cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR"
"I asked my boyfriend ""How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?"""
"My doctor sang this to me at my birthday ""Happy birthday to you. You live in a zoo. You have terminal cancer. Your family'll miss you"""
"I asked the grocery store man if they had eggnog and he's like ""We only carry it at Christmastime"" so I was all ""Whatever, Hitler."""
"I saw the add on page one. I dont have a reason to stand for cancer. But I do have a reason to sit for diabetes."
"What do you call a secret agent running for the bus? A Russian spy."
"How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change bulbs and 3 to sit around and complain that the original was better."
"What did the daschund say when he was neutered? Auf weinersehen"
"What do you call a snail on a ship? A snailor (My nephew is watching Spongebob please send help my brain cells are leaving one by one)"