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Joke of the Day

"Piss me off in the grocery store and I'll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check."

"What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer? I give a fuck when my computer crashes."

"My new Toyota is going to be in a new movie . . . Just a small part. It's just a Camryo."

"Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break! Age 25: Exercise reduces stress! Age 35: My doctor says I'll die immediately if I don't do this"

"Hey stupid & ugly people that are brimming with self confidence. What meds are you on? I want some."

"You know what I hate most about N.D.A.s?"

"I Wasn't Too Keen On The Idea Of Gay Parenting Until I met my wife, who was raised by two dads. That's when I came to my senses and realized.. NO MOTHER-IN-LAW!"

"""Stomach...Lungs...Kidneys....Heart."" - Me, at my organ recital. (Not even slightly sorry)"

"What do you get when you drop a piano on a toddler? A flat minor"

"In high school, everyone called me the bus driver. Because I was the bus driver."