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Joke of the Day

"You wanna know who sounds like an owl?"

"Why was the sand wet? Because the seaweed."

"An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We're a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession."

"You still have 10 more hours to lose all the weight from your last New Year's resolution. Hurry !"

"Guys, if you buy ANY woman clothing, & you don't get her a size S with a gift receipt, you're an asshole."

"Is your penis Ant-man? Because whenever it's time to impress, it shrinks."

"A famous pornstar died yesterday. My penis was at half-mast."

"A German man was hitting on my sister-in-law... I told her ""He wants to put his wiener in your schnitzel."" She replied ""Not happening, I guess he'll be stroganoff."""

"Reminder: Please just hit the ""RT"" button on my tweets if you're ugly. Don't want people associating your busted face with my art."

"I don't know what to I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape I don't even have a home anymore. Definitely time for a new keyboard."