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Joke of the Day

"Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I'd hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands."

"""I don't need any love from any man. I only need to love and be loved by ONE man. He is the Son of God, JESUS!"".......just say u have been dumped."

"My wife dared me to yell out ""HURRY UP HAYDEN"" at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn."

"White house What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful? A tourist."

"I liked watching squirrel soap operas unfold in my backyard right up until the damn neighbor cat murdered all the actors."

"A flat earth conspiracist was boasting about how many people believe that the Earth is flat... He said, ""We have supporters all around the globe!!!"""

"If I had a dollar for every time I overexaggerated I'd have, like, a billion dollars"

"ME: my son ran away COP: we won't rest until we find him ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush"

"Friend: Hey guess what? Me: What? Friend: No, guess! Me: I don't need this friendship that bad."

"I just became a Catholic recently... I still don't understand why we have to keep sitting down, standing up and kneeling. I wish the priest would just pick a position and fuck me!"