208922

Joke of the Day

"When I was a kid my older brother dared me to take a bite of a Monopoly board. It was a little gamey."

"""Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight"". - Why we'll be speaking Chinese in 50 years."

"What kind of tape do kidnappers use? abDUCT tape"

"If I were God, I'd totally be cool with you using my name in vain. Feel free to say, ""Oh John"" next time you're cumming ladies."

"[halftime] Coach: Okay men we're literally losing at basketball to a dog... any ideas? -I have one. *pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*"

"Judge: how do you plead? Guy: well usually to my wife Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant"

"So a baby seal runs into a club... ..."

"Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound."

"I really don't have a clear stance on abortion On one hand I'm all for killing babies. But on the other hand I don't support women's rights."

"I love going over to my girlfriends place, her parents give me money when I leave! You know being a babysiter and all."