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Joke of the Day

"I get 9"" in bed every night. That's how much mattress is left for me once the dogs get comfortable."

"Guy walks up to a Canadian and says ""Who was that lady I saw you with last night?"" The Canadian says ""That was my wife."""

"""Papa who was Hamlet?"" ""You birdbrain! Bring me the Bible and I'll show you who he was."""

"I saw a midget carrying a TV out of Best Buy I asked, ""Hey, do you need help with that flat-screen?"" He replied, ""Fuck off, this is a Kindle!"""

"Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank coffee before it was cool."

"What type of tea is hard to swallow? Reality"

"I'd like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around"

"The janitor at my gym sees me naked more often than my wife does. And he's a more attentive lover."

"No thanks, doctor's office that used to be a house."

"TIL After years of research, scientists have positively concluded that the most effective way to make your penis bigger is using a magnifying glass"