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Joke of the Day

"Mafia Boss: You wearin' a wire? Me: ""Wire"" you asking me that? lol get it [the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]"

"My grandmother treats me like a rock star By that I mean she lets me sign her tits"

"Men get more attractive with age. Women...well they just let you put it in more places."

"Mercurian day So - apparently one day on Mercury is an agonisingly long 1408 earth hours long... In other words - one Earth Monday."

"Yo momma is like a brick! She's flat, heavy, and gets laid by Mexicans all day!"

"What did the tomato say to the cheese in court? I rest my queso."

"There's a party in my pants and everyone's invited but nobody ever shows up. I wish my pants would stop throwing parties. It's humiliating."

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too! Hey Reddit! What is your favorite Mitch Hedburg joke?"

"What do you call a capitalist Bernie Sanders? Earning Sanders."

"Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Mrs. Pac-Man, for 25c she swallowed balls until she died"