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Joke of the Day

"""Let there be me."" God, just before he created himself out of nothing."

"I bought a new fragrance today... Bc I heard with the right Cologne, women just can't say no to you"

"Pretty awesome how you can buy chocolates on February 13th and everyone assumes you have a girlfriend & not a grudge w/ your neighbor's dog."

"The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket."

"My family tells me that I talk in my sleep almost every night.. But they don't say anything like that to me at work."

"What is Gollum's favourite bird? A Smeagull! :D"

"I've decided to take the day off today. I'm just going to call it to."

"How many leftists does it take to change a lightbulb? 8,000 to protest against the broken lightbulb but 0 to realize it won't change anything."

"I started a company... I started q company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof"

"Her: It's disgusting how many dirty habits you have. Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???"