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Joke of the Day

"Guys, it is true. Size DOES matter. When have you ever been satisfied after she brings you a small sandwich?"

"Baked turkey for 4 and a half days - instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108! #MyProblem"

"What do you mean I've had enough to drink?!! Hold my beer while I fight this lamppost."

"""i am equally happy on the couch watching netflix or at a party with friends"" = ""the human condition is one of sickness & contradiction"""

"Told ya I can time travel!"

"Goodnight honey. ""Daddy, where do babies come from?"" The stork flies them in. ""Why's it take 9 months?"" Wind resistance. Go to sleep."

"Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one."

"If I meet Captain Crunch I'm going to punch him in the roof of the mouth."

"Teacher: ""Answer this math problem: if your father earns $500 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?"" Student: ""A heart attack."""

"I just came up with Trump's inauguration drink I call it, ""Make America Smashed Again"" It's a White Russian with pumpkin spice."