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Joke of the Day

"A feminist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar... and I only know this because they won't shut the fuck up about it."

"Is there such a thing as spontaneous feline combustion? Anyway, baking soda and vinegar are terrible for cats."

"A study has shown that 40% of men over 40 suffer erectile dysfunction. Looking at 40% of women over 40, I'm not surprised."

"4yo: Raise your hand if you are young Me: *raises hand 4yo: No, daddy, not you."

"i want a segway so i can ride my segway away from my problems"

"My drug dealer just bought me a new pair of sneakers for Christmas I can't tell what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day"

"My cellphone is incredibly acidic... It's a pH one"

"How do you identify a vegan? Listen closely."

"I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. ""What's this for?"" He asked. ""A pay rise."" I replied. ""My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."""

"Most of my time is spent trying to work ""That's So Raven"" into everyday conversation."