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Joke of the Day

"I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day. -why spelling matters"

"What's small red and goes up and down? A tomato in an elevator."

"Why do the horses hate the jockey? Because he's a horse racist."

"Short armed and dangerous. Did you hear about the mind reading midget that escaped from prison? The papers said small medium at large."

"*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we'll never use and your antique pesticide collection*"

"I see you're busy. I'll come back and ruin your free time."

"I'm sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy"

"Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead."

"The year is 2035. The only movies are superhero reboots. Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100."

"after every snowstorm, animals must spend a few brief moments wonderimg if nature has claimed back the world and the humans have finaly gone"