201380

Joke of the Day

"I've had insomnia so much it is starting to worry me. But I won't lose any sleep over it."

"*bursts into room Me: GUYS! GUYS! I FOUND A UNICORN Guys: Yeah sure,show us then! *holds up single kernel of corn *gets violently beaten"

"I'm not ""Mr Right"" but I'll do freaky stuff to you till he shows up."

"How do you treat Mrs. Potato Head when she has cancer? Ampu-tater"

"With all the complaints about iOS 8 taking forever to install... You'd think that Apple would rename it to iOS ."

"People always ask why I only date black girls It's because I don't like meeting the father"

"ME: Hey they're playing our song. HER: This isn't our song. ME: [turning up ""Go Your Own Way""] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce."

"It feels like every time I look at the time it's 9:11 I hope this doesn't get me on a watch list."

"I lied to my wife about what I was doing. I told her I was laminating copies of my newest novel. But that was only a cover for my story."

"Did you see the newspaper report about the midget psychiatrist wanted by the police.... The headline said ""Small medium at large""... I'll see myself out!"