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Joke of the Day

"Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis."

"I just learned that you can get drunk from Kangaroo meat! I'm pretty sure it has something to do with all the hops."

"I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, ""My money's on the one with the knife."" You should have seen how fast they both ran off."

"If I exit the bathroom stall singing ""Break On Through (To The Other Side)"", it's best to avoid shaking my hand."

"Wife: You're so lucky, I'm like a trophy wife! Me: Wow, I'd hate to see what they gave to the second place guy."

"My 5-year-old daughter hates it when I call her the ""C"" word... cranky. She starts crying, screaming and stomping around. It's at this point I have to tell her: ""Stop acting like a little cunt!"""

"Why did the semen cross the road? Why did the seman cross the road? Because I wore the wrong socks today.."

"Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school."

"I can't believe it's Christmas eve eve eve and they're making me work."

"what do you call bees on halloween? boo bees"