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Joke of the Day

"When someone tells me to have a safe flight it's like ok I will do my best but just so you know I am not the pilot of the airplane"

"Best listener Girl: My boyfriend never listens to me. Friend: You should date a blind mute. Girl: why? Friend: he's all ears"

"Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating. Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones."

"There's no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that's been in the closet for a year."

"How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but god-knows how they got in there. EDIT: [IMAGE HERE](http://i.imgur.com/1v6wJu5.jpg)"

"My friends and I are all dressing as different Robin Williams characters at a Comic Con this weekend... We're the Suicide Squad!"

"If you are considering decorating your car for Christmas, please seek immediate mental help."

"Sit down and let me tell you a story. Once Upon A Time......last night......I had a few drinks and......borrowed your credit card."

"[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex] Her: faster! faster! Me: oh god no"

"If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you're just diluting yourself."