197615

Joke of the Day

"Dads in horror movies always have the most chill explanations. ""Our son is covered in pentagrams!"" Well maybe he's just allergic to dairy."

"I can't help but feel partially responsible for the fact that you're reading this Tweet right now."

"[first date] ""Tell me two interesting things about yourself"" well I lie when I'm nervous... ""ok..."" and I invented oatmeal"

"Former District attorney lost job after scandal, now a male sex worker. Most of his jobs are pro-boner"

"You name your cat Bowl. What would the name on the cat's bowl be? It would be 'Bowl' and all of your friends would leave you because you are an idiot and named your cat Bowl."

"Why can't Pirates spell the alfhabet? RRRRRRRRRRRRRgh"

"I have decided I will never get down to my original weight. Besides 7.5 pounds is unrealistic anyway."

"[my dad and my 3 yr old daughter] Him: Hey sweetie how've you been? Her: I have a boyfriend Me: lmao *my daughter and I high five*"

"If you pretend you're skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people."

"If Russia invaded Turkey from behind, will Greece help?"