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Joke of the Day
"That'll do it! How do you kill a vegetarian vampire? You stab him with a steak to the heart."
Next Joke
"""Have a seat"" *Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.* ""Dad I..."" **Dad puts up hand* ""Please don't call me that."""
"You know the best thing about having a penis? You get to share it with people who don't."
"According to every 80s movie ever, the only way to get home from school is by standing up in the back of a Jeep Wrangler with 5 other people"
"How many fat people does it take to change a light bulb? 3. One to unscrew the light bulb and screw a new one on another one to operate the crane and a third one to say when the chicken is ready."
"Me: Do you want a burger or a hot dog? Her: Neither. I'm vegan. Me: Feel free to eat as much grass as you want."
"my 2 yr old today: Mom how'd you get past the cognitivie dissonance of having me even tho climate change will render the world uninhabitable"
"First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you're coming"
"I think the best way to prevent a polar bear from raping you is to just say ""Yes!"""
"Take something someone says, then perceive it in every terrible way imaginable POOF you're a woman."