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Joke of the Day

"I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so"

"My attention span is shorter than donuts are better with sprinkles."

"Whats the best way to eat a vegetable Go for the wheelchair first"

"A person is sentenced to death by freezing It's justice."

"Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations."

"I don't think 'safe sex' sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination"

"[Halloween] Lady: what are you this this year? Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I'm at 10% and it's only 7pm. Lady: *faints*"

"My new thesaurus is terrible! Not only that but it's also terrible."

"Someone just filled me in about those small places in the hot, sandy desert called an ""Oasis."" ... That's where the Arab boys go to eat their dates."

"Ever notice that Reddit is obsessed with correcting mistakes? Me to."