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Joke of the Day

"I walked into a bookshop Me: ""Do you have any books on turtles?"" Them ""Hard back?"" Me: ""Yeah, with little heads"""

"If I ever get a llama, I'm totally naming it Dalai."

"When someone replies late... If NASA can find a way to send an image of Pluto using that Hubble Space Telescope from 4.67 billion miles then why can't you message me?"

"Wife : don't forget to pick up the kids at the school Me : why"

"[baby finally falls asleep] ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax DOG: I'M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON"

"Psychiatrist cannibal by day, pop star singing sensation by night Hannibal Montanibal"

"I bet there would be a lot more wars if there weren't boobs. I haven't seen a boob in 2 days and I'm ready to kill someone."

"I'm not a lucky man I once gambled on a couch and won a baby"

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"What is more powerful than God, more evil than the Devil, poor people have it, if you eat it, you will die? Diarrhoea"