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Joke of the Day

"My dog doesn't always bark like there's an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I'm home alone and in the shower."

"Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can't remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law."

"Two muffins are sitting in the oven. When one muffin leans over to the other and says, ""boy it sure it's hot in here."" To which the other muffin responds, ""holy shit a talking muffin!"""

"just said ""Deep Homo"" by accident instead of ""Home Depot"" & am tryingnto laugh it off oops they're watching me tweet now gotta go"

"I like to go to the vet It's a lot cheaper than the doctor. The only shitty part is the thermometer"

"That awkward moment when you're not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up."

"How many Scots didn't turn up to vote? One in Fife"

"What do you call a horse that likes arts and crafts? Glue."

"*1st time at gym* *picks up weight* how do i equip this *steps on treadmill* can i get exp on here *taps huge guy* do you sell mana potions"

"Did you hear about the casino croupier whose hand, through a tragic accident, was reduced to a stub? Don't worry, he's dealing with it."