192098

Joke of the Day

"I farted in a full elevator yesterday, it was wrong on so many levels."

"[soldier dying in my arms] ""You take this & you give it to my wife."" ""No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me."""

"How do you know if someone's a pilot? because they'll fucking tell you."

"I knew she was the one the moment she said those three words that took my breath away... ""THAT'S GONNA SMELL!"""

"Decks. Because I like to be outdoors, but not like all on the ground and shit."

"Damn girl are you the gulf of mexico? Cuz I would drill that and make a mess"

"The first time I realised I was dyslexic... Was when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat."

"Yo mama so fat when she went to Walmart, she tripped on Walgreens, and landed right on target"

"[Woods] SNOW WHITE: Oh, what a lovely little house! GOLDILOCKS: [in ski mask] Beat it, sister. I've been scoping this place out for weeks."

"Why did Jose push his wife off the cliff? Tequila..."