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Joke of the Day

"*me looking at a police lineup* Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa."

"Did you hear about the man who jumped in the Hudson River? He committed sewercide."

"A blind man walks into a bar... ... Then in a table, then in a chair..."

"I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he's at work, but I can't decide what outfit to put on the cat."

"If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he be famous for? Old age."

"I was in a band called Obese Bastards. What can I say. We went through a stage."

"I always go the extra mile, which is why I was fired from Uber."

"If her age isn't on the clock, she is ready for the cock."

"Being an assassin would be so cool People would kill to have that job"

"Thank God I wasn't on twitter when I was in college. It would've taken me 65 years to get my degree."