190084

Joke of the Day

"CROSS THE ROAD... MONKEY Q: Why did the monkey cross the road? A: So he could get spanked."

"I'm 100% sure Zebra's didn't earn those things."

"Damn girl, are you an alarm clock? Because no matter how many times I hit you you won't shut the fuck up."

"Her: Describe your ideal date. Me: I'd order an extra large pizza. Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing? Me: Oh, you'd be there, too?"

"My apartment looks like a Sims house before you figure out the cheat code for unlimited money."

"What does a mother use to keep her childrens' toenails soft and smooth? A pedi-file"

"If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt...don't worry, I'm just chasing my dream."

"What's the hardest thing about being a vegan crossfitter who went to Harvard? Figuring out what to tell you about first."

"Tonight I saw a truck spin out in a snowy McDonalds parking lot, and honestly it was doing a much better job of being president."

"Why did the comedian quit boxing? He always missed the punchline."