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Joke of the Day

"There are two things you need to understand to be successful. 1. Never tell anyone everything you know. 2."

"[hospital] DOCTOR: you're ok ME: so it was just a dream DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it"

"People who talk with your phone on speaker like it's a Star Trek Communicator - we're trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you."

"Just overheard someone say they need an ""escape goat"" for their project & I can't decide if they're a complete idiot or an evil genius."

"I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we're discussing why I'm such a idiot."

"Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions? Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here!"

"Are you fu*** crazy? A squirrel with a nut having sex. Another squirrel sees her and asks: ""Are you fucking crazy?"" ""No, I'm fucking nuts!"""

"A guy goes to a five dollar lady of the night.. and he gets crabs. So, the next day he goes back to complain. And the woman says ""Hey. It was only five dollars. What did you expect? Lobster?"""

"Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing Bad news: It's not my mind that I want blown"

"What do you call an intelligent blonde? A Labrador."