188303

Joke of the Day

"My dad will walk across the living room with a bowl of soup to the brim, shoelaces untied, because history has taught him nothing."

"Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th. Bae Cop: My parents aren't home. Come over."

"Three jews walk into a bar... ...a bar mitzvah."

"How did Steve Jobs die? From PC"

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Bruno ! Bruno who ? Bruno more tea for me !"

"How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?? When she starts fitting in your wife's clothes!!"

"WIFE: Don't tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART"

"If this Hillary case blows up... It will be the second time a weiner has ruined the presidency for a Clinton"

"Rules for wearing animal print yoga pants: 1. Weigh less than the animals they represent 2. 3."

"[eulogy] ""Before we get started I'd like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased's 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones"""