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Joke of the Day

"We should've cremated Michael Jackson in case of the zombie apocalypse or else people will think they're part of a Thriller flash mob"

"Did you hear that Napoleon broke the Sphinx's nose with a singe shot? It was a one-hit wonder. I'll show myself out."

"Me: Sometimes you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, enfarcorate, and move on. You know what I'm saying? Friend: ..."

"At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE'RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN."

"I thought about getting a brain transplant But then i changed my mind"

"Abortion jokes are never funny. So if you accidentally start forming one, you should terminate it before it comes to fruition."

"It's so cold in south florida, I just saw an iguana kill a squirrel and use it as a scarf."

"Just a reminder that parrots can talk."

"WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen"

"A crossfitter, a Texan, and a vegan walk into a bar. How do you know? They all tell you within 3 seconds."