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Joke of the Day

"At Twitter HQ J: Users haven't complained in a while, what's going on? Devs: Oh, we've got just the thing *releases update"

"There's no law that says you can't use a tiny pancake as an eyepatch."

"""Mickey Mouse, it says you want to divorce Minnie because she was... extremely silly?"" ""No, I said she was fucking Goofy."""

"What do you do in a master bathroom? Masterbathe."

"Why did the doctor quit his job? He ran out of patients."

"Nostalgic grandpa A grandfather to his grandson: when i was you age id grab $5 and get groceries for the entire week. The grandson: We can't do that now grandpa..they have cameras installed."

"I ""Liked"" your comment on my status update because I'm too lazy to respond."

"Love's a lot like a bullet in that the exit usually causes the most damage."

"What do you call a five foot psychic that escapes from jail? A small medium at large."

"Whars long ha nuts on either sude and has an asshole around the corner The hallway in the mental hospital i just I just escaped"