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Joke of the Day

"I visited my friend in his flat He told me to make myself at home. So I kicked him out. I hate having visitors"

"When's the best time to see an optometrist? When you can't."

"How do you know Putin is late for Thanks Giving? He's Russian to Turkey."

"At best, I think I could be a Third Responder."

"Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay. You have my Word."

"The Grim Reaper walks over to you in his Uggs, taps his Michael Kors watch and says, ""you're literally dead."""

"Q: How do you get a dog to stop barking in the back seat of a car? - A: Put him in the front seat."

"The drone on Mars ran over a feline organism. That's right - Curiosity killed the cat"

"On my way to the mall yesterday I passed the Big & Tall Men's clothing store. Outside the store a troop of Girl Scouts were selling cookies. I guess it really is location, location, location..."

"How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree? Wave at him"