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Joke of the Day

"[1st date] me: do you want kids? her: Yes me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE'S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO"

"Why did the thief take a bath? To get a clean getaway"

"SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do? [tree hiding in broom closet tenses up] DAD: Nonsense. [tree sighs in relief]"

"I'm badman! bad to whom? whoman!"

"when someone near me yawns i can't help but match the yawn with a visually similar scream"

"What do you call a black and white bird that can't win, nor fly. A peng-lose."

"Who's the only person known to have had sex with OP's mom? Sheriff Andy Taylor"

"[Works when you say it]. The best part about having sex with 28 year olds is that there's 20 of them"

"I am giving up a few negative people for lent. So, if you call, text, Facebook or email and I don't get to back to you?? Odds are it was you."

"A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit."