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Joke of the Day

"I once auditioned for ""Man Laying Fertilizer"" in a commercial, and afterward, they asked me to do it again but to keep in mind hes straight."

"If we weren't able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic."

"Mommy monster: Don't eat that uranium. Little monster: Why not? Mommy monster: You'll get atomic-ache."

"Why is is called Holy Water ? Cause Holy God does it feel good when I use it to wash that alter boy's blood of my dick."

"May you never leave your marriage alive."

"No thanks, Winter Olympics. If I wanted to see a bunch of white people playing in the snow, I'd hop on over to Facebook."

"For people with a gluten allergy, it's kind of like kryptonite, except Superman didn't find a way to mention it in every conversation."

"Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?"

"Why do people like r/citrus? It's sublime"

"Shave legs ?? Bikini wax ?? Lose 10 lbs ?? Pluck eyebrows ?? Mani/pedi ?? Sexy panties ?? Ready for my big *date! *gynecologist"