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Joke of the Day

"I'm drunk and ready to get retarded! Wait, that's not politically correct. I'm soberly-challenged and ready to get retarded!"

"Hey there.. Hi.."

"When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol' days."

"I could make way more Ayn Rand jokes here, but most of you would be too weak and altruistic to understand them. Let alone profit from them."

"One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships."

"(Grandpa joke) If seagulls fly over the sea, what flies over the bay? Bagels. I'll be here all night, people!"

"I'll do your taxes for free if you tell my mom we're dating."

"Here's another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]"

"For a hero, it's pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day."

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess' on it ... So I said, ""implants?"""