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Joke of the Day

"First time flying huh? -Yeah how could you tell? Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage."

"*walks in at 3am* Wife: OMG, what happened? Me: I was attacked. [front door 5hrs later] Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?"

"Last night I dreamt I ate a giant marshmallow. When I woke up my pillow was gone !"

"I want to make a BDSM joke but I keep getting tied up on the punchline"

"Shout out to slugs for doing everything a snail does without a helmet"

"Pretend it's a beer... Pretend it's a beer... Pretend it's a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby."

"9 just turned the toaster all the way up and basically made charcoal for breakfast, so I'm ordering new furniture with his college fund."

"Optimist vs Pessimist Optimist - The glass is half full Pessimist - The glass is half empty Feminist - The glass is being raped"

"What's a hipsters favorite season? Summer, they like it before it's cool"

"It's 2012 and we still don't serve all food in a bread bowl."