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Joke of the Day

"Jim: I'm totally spacing out on a word. Me: OK J: What's that awful thing called... M: ... J: You wake up with it after you drink? M: Linda."

"[installing program] Operation Status: 1 min left Me: Yes! Finally! *30 minutes later* Operation Status: 60 mins left Me: Wait. What?"

"I wish my lawn were a depressed emo so it would just cut itself."

"Why did the Jews roam the desert for 40+ years? Because Moses lost a quarter."

"- Do you take a shower after having sex? - Yes, of course. - Well, how about getting laid a little more often."

"I once dumped a cross-eyed chick Thought she was seeing someone else."

"What is a 6.9? A great thing, ruined by a period"

"RIPE David Bowie People are treating it as a rock and roll suicide Edit: rip not ripe ;-;"

"Me: Dude, back off. You're totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym. H: You do realize I'm your husband, right?"

"I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away."