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Joke of the Day

"I would send a joke but my autobiography hasn't come out yet"

"Jokes That don't work written down There were 30 cows in a field, twenty ate sheep, how many didn't?"

"Who was the world's greatest thief ? Atlas because he held up the whole world !"

"Girlfriend caught you looking at another woman? Turn to your girl and tell her that you're glad she doesn't dress like that."

"Dear Neighbours, ""She's coming"" isn't a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking."

"Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning Brain: Stop M: It was B: No M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey B: This is why I can't do math in your head"

"Gonna take up smoking, just in case I have to give an anonymous tip from the shadows at some point."

"[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police] ""why isn't he wearing a shirt"" we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote"

"Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape."

"It's a funny old world we live in. Once we had empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings. Now we have countries..."