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Joke of the Day

"Doctor: Describe your headache. Me: She's about 5'8"", blonde, and the mother of my children."

"THE RIGHT ONE HOW CAN YOU BE CERTAIN YOU FOUND THE RIGHT ONE? AFTER YOU PASS GAS,THEY HAVENT FILED FOR AN ORDER OF PROTECTION"

"What happens when the Pope dies? ....another one popes up."

"My girlfriend was asked to step aside and frisked at the airport for resembling a Friends character. I think she was a victim of Rachel profiling."

"What happens when a university math professor and a high school math teacher get it on? Calculust"

"What's the difference between snow men and snow women? Snow balls"

"*makes plans with someone* (30 seconds later) what have I done"

"Convincing your girlfriend she's crazy is called gaslighting, and it's a dick move. Convincing her she's a robot is called bladerunning... It's a Phillip K. Dick move."

"Accents are important. Would you rather be touched by Jesus or Jesus?"

"How do you count cows? You use a cow-culator. Or you round them up. Or any other method the commenters want."