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Joke of the Day

"BASEBALL! All the excitement of football squeezed conveniently into 162 five-hour games!"

"A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually."

"I remember this one time I ran out of gas. It was pretty scary. Almost dark. I was all alone. I mean it was a lawnmower, but still."

"I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens."

"Turn a man down for sex, he gets over it. Turn a woman down? Oh. My. God."

"I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend's dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look."

"There was the Florida State defensive tackle who thought Hertz Van Rentals was a famous Dutch painter."

"My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full."

"I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again. I didn't get pulled over or anything, I just showed up to work 20 minutes early."

"I'm not sexist! Sexism is wrong. And being wrong is for women."