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Joke of the Day

"In the near future, little old ladies won't know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they'll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors."

"Marriage is like a deck of cards In the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond... By the end you wish you had a club and a spade."

"Sister won't let me eat her out I'm bringing this bullshit up to Father Tim at Sunday Mass."

"Pretty upset to find out that salmonella poisoning has nothing to do with a vindictive fish named Ella."

"They should make a medal for anyone who uses a whole tube of chapstick before losing it."

"I accidentally started this account when I was looking for a banana bread recipe and things have gone horribly wrong."

"Edward Scissorhand's death was probably from running."

"How do you recognize a feminist from a bunch of naked women? She's the one with the penis.....envy."

"""Did you hear? Lament's gettin' a Ph.D."" ""What does Ph.D. stand for?"" ""in his case Pin-headed Dope."""

"What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station and the other is busty crustacean"