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Joke of the Day

"Boss: Project's way behind. Suggestions? I'm willing to try anything. Me: *raises hand* Him: Anything but ""helper monkeys"" Me: *lowers hand*"

"there was this confusing 'do not touch' sign in the mall. I just can't put my finger on it."

"Why did the guy at the trainyard get struck by lightning? He was an excellent conductor"

"A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him."

"i'm reading this thesaurus. it's really interesting, or should i say... very interesting."

"Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces. Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak."

"Cinderella What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gagged!"

"Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper."

"Ice skaters... ...do it on the slide, if you know what I mean"

"An Eskimo was driving through new Zealand His car suddenly broke down after a small wait the mechanic told him ""aw shut bro you've blown a seal"" to which the Eskimo replies ""shut up you fuck sheep"""