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Joke of the Day

"Lawyer: ""Let me give you my honest opinion."" Client: ""No no. I'm paying for professional advice."""

"So I was in the movie theatre... and I was watching an incredibly sad film. So sad that the man behind me started wailing, then he hit me in the head with a harpoon."

"Why didn't the astronauts land on the moon? Because it was full. * (from a taffy taffy wrapper--oh my god what am I doing with my life)"

"I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers"

"Ever notice it's only ""stalking"" if the person doing the stalking is unattractive."

"Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow, but fuck me the pass the parcel was quick!"

"They really should call the Day After Tomorrow ""Threemorrow"""

"Did you hear what ubisoft rated assassins creed black flag? They rated it ARrrrrrrr 16."

"My black friend asked me... My black friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library I said wtf man it's 2015 you can use whatever printer you want"

"Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?"