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Joke of the Day

"I hate it when someone asks you for directions and you can't remember a street name so you have to strangle them behind the gas station."

"Laziness is a dish best served delivered."

"This Super Market doesn't even sell capes."

"Q.How can you tell when a Chicago Fireman is dead? A. The remote control slips from his hand."

"What do you call a record of everything that goes in and out of your ass? An ANALog."

"I phoned a local restaurant. I said, ""Hello, can I make a booking for tonight?"" They said, ""I'm sorry, we haven't got any tables."" ""That's ridiculous,"" I said. ""How do you serve the food?"""

"MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board? ME: no MT: i wasn't asking ME: if u were an english teacher you'd know that u were"

"One time, I broke my iPhone and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person I don't like to talk about it"

"Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick."

"New Years Eve forecast: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out."