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Joke of the Day

"When I say ""It's a long story,"" it doesn't mean it's actually a long story. It means I just don't want to tell you."

"Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected."

"There once was an Italian chef He pastaway"

"When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it's the saddest tiny rodeo you've ever seen."

"My gf is like the square root of negative one hundred She's a perfect ten but imaginary"

"Why do you love your puppy more than you love your wife? Because the puppy only knows the tricks you taught her"

"Why do you never see any gay Egyptian Sailors? Because they're all in de Nile."

"What's the worst thing Willie Nelson can tell you while giving you a handjob? I'm not Willie Nelson"

"Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn't have."

"Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you're in Starbucks."