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Joke of the Day

"My wife treats me like GOD!! She takes no notice of my existence till she wants something."

"How many Italians can you fit in a bathtub? Don'tworryaboutit."

"If yesterday was May the Fourth be with you... I guess today is the revenge of the fifth"

"I'm my own boyfriend when it comes to farts"

"Rules to live by: 1. Be kind to strangers 2. Don't cheat on your taxes 3. Everything in moderation 4. Bury the body at sea"

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

"My son has the worst altitude ever. He's defiant, rude and floating like six feet off the ground."

"What did the sign on the whore house door say? Beat it, we're closed."

"In extremely rare cases women have been known to sleep with me."

"I didn't like this marimba player very much... ...He just had bad vibes."