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Joke of the Day

"Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside."

"Guess what? Wll you just do something for me? Yeah, admit you just wiped your screen."

"I don't drink so that I'm more fun to be around. I drink so that you're more fun to be around."

"At best, I think I could be a Third Responder."

"My husband and I make a good team. I'm about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he's taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors."

"Have you seen the movie about a lone piece of graph paper? The plot was a bit scattered."

"How I get my dick to be 12 inches? I cut it in half"

"If I had a dollar for every racist thing I ever said I'd be rich as a Jew."

"Man! It's raining cats and dogs out there! *MEEEW* SPLAT! *AARFF* SPLAT! Did I close my sunroof? SON OF BITCH!"

"MOM: always open the door for a lady [later on date] ME: Let me get that for you [reaching under stall door for lock] please stop screaming"