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Joke of the Day

"I invited Jim for dinner ""Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?"" [Loud thud on the roof] *sigh* ""I'll get the ladders"""

"How do you wake a sleeping Lady Gaga? You poke poke poker face"

"Life is like a penis... Long, simple, and relaxed. It's the women that make it hard."

"I'm making a graph of my past relationships. I have an 'ex'-axis and a 'why?'-axis."

"*Girl opens Xmas present* ""Why'd you get me carrots and lettuce?"" ""Wait but that means-"" *Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*"

"If a tree falls down and only a woman hears it, what the fuck was a tree doing in my kitchen?"

"If you took the tartness out of a lime and later put it back would the lime be retarted? Yes...yes it would..."

"I didn't know you could get paid for donating sperm. When I think of all the money I've let slip through my fingers..."

"What is Donald Trump telling Barack Obama supporters? Orange is the new black."

"I had an interview today. The guy interviewing me asked me where I saw myself in 5 years... I told him I didn't have 2020 vision."