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Joke of the Day

"[Date] Her: *giggles* whoops you got a hair right there Me (nervous she's trying to clone me): give it back"

"I wonder how many calories women burn by... ... jumping to conclusions."

"[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank] Why do you think people hate us so much? ""Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks."""

"Why did the policeman shoot the empty LED? It was a black one."

"2 fish in a tank One turns to the other and says ""you know how to drive this thing?"""

"Settle down, Levi's commercial. You are talking about pants."

"3yo just yelled ""face-five!"" & slapped his brother in the face. I'm totally using that at work tomorrow."

"Nothing angers me more than a prematurely broken shell in my Taco Kit."

"Why are black people so tall? Because their knee grows..."

"Self-promoting on the walls of a public bathroom is weird but always having the Sharpie on hand is weirder. Anyway for a good time call me."