166655

Joke of the Day

"Welcome to middle age, here's your card. You'll now have a favorite local weatherman and your elbows will never be pointy again."

"I was taken by aliens! I couldn't get away, I don't speak Spanish!"

"A man goes into a butcher's shop and says ""I bet you 50 bucks you can't hand me the ribeye from the top shelf."" The butcher says: ""I can't take that bet, the steaks are too high."""

"I think I owe my right hand a Valentines Day card!"

"What does a toilet, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common? Men usually miss all three."

"If 9/11 happened in Vegas, no one would have ever known due to that silly motto."

"This could be the LSD talking, but I'm pretty sure I'd be more comfortable riding on the roof of the car."

"These boots were made for walking, and that's just what they'll do. One of these day--oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!"

"My doctor went to write me a prescription for my heart meds. He pulled out a rectal thermometer out of his pocket and said ""Shit, some asshole has my pen!"""

"Don't you wish people could be like money? So you could hold them up to the sun and see which ones are fake and which are real?"