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Joke of the Day

"My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping. I'm crying. While digging a hole to bury her."

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"""Keep away from children to avoid suffocation"" was the best advice I've ever received. You have to pay for that nowadays"
"[First date] Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling? Him: Water? Me: No, my personality."
"James Bond walks into a bar... James Bond walks into a bar and sits next to a chicken. Chicken: What's your name? Bond: My name's Bond. James Bond. Chicken: Nice to meet you, I'm Ken. Chick Ken."
"If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Allergies."
"It's 4:20!"
"A man walks into a bar... and stays there my entire childhood."
"My teacher in first grade said I was stupid for ""wanting to be a T-Rex"" when I grew up but she died last year so who's the stupid one now?"
"Have you heard about the new male birth control pill? You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp."
"When your wife says ""It's up to you"", it's not."
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