164741

Joke of the Day

"""Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight"" - The Swiss Army"

"I'm not saying Martha Stewart is old, but... she needs a new Walker more than the Fast and Furious franchise."

"What's big, bounces, and makes little kids cry? My donation check to the orphanage."

"Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher. One hour later she was dead. So today I'll be watching Home Alone 2."

"My buddy just came over with his eyebrows waxed... The light had them shining so much it looked like both of his eyes just came up with the best idea."

"Why won't you ever see an American slav squatting? Because his spurs will get stuck up his asshole!"

"Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?"

"Why do the Marines call it Parris island? Because they like to play with each other's oui oui."

"When the Boogeyman goes to sleep at night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris."

"I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate"