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Joke of the Day

"I'm not gonna let something like a restraining order get in the way of a love as special and unique as ours. Shhhhh. Stop crying."

"ME: It would ring, and we would... Answer it. TEENS: but, like, how did you know who it WAS? ME *staring into the distance* We never did..."

"I used to be addicted... to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around (x-post from /r/jokes)"

"what kind of cookies do atoms eat? Fig neutrons"

"78% of parenting is spent anxiously praying they don't notice the minuscule lego piece you just vacuumed up."

"So it's been a few days since Phil and Ken got married under Irish law... And already Phil wants to Kilkenny"

"Only in Scotland, will you ever see a man take a piss on a door, then open it and walk inside. (credit: Frankie Boyle)"

"Hey girl, are you a 10? Because you're basic..."

"Why did the kiddie pool have no friends? Because it was too shallow."

"Merry Christmas to everyone tomorrow... ....Today, fuck you."