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Joke of the Day

"[Doctors appointment] Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*"

"My shiny watch has had a peaceful life... ...it's always had the time to reflect upon itself."

"Why did Jesus get pulled over for drunk driving? He had a blood alcohol content of 12.00%. It's made of wine, after all."

"Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom."

"What do you call a pig stuck in a topiary? A hedgehog."

"How many people with dementia does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side."

"If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady... That's how I lost my job as a bus driver."

"Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That's so annoying, right? Me: Word"

"*walks past yoga studio* *looks in window* *eyes widen* Awesome. It's like kindergarten. *walks into class* *unrolls mat* *takes a nap*"

"While on vacation the desk clerk at the London hotel told me I'd only get the key to my room if I presented him with 250 pounds... ... so I introduced him to my wife."